Mother’s Day & Infertility

For so many, Mother’s Day is a happy day. It is a National day set aside to celebrate your mom, other moms you know, and to celebrate being a mom yourself. Mother’s Day arrives in the fragrant springtime when the array of exquisite flowers are in full bloom, the weather has warmed to a lovey 80° (at least in Northern California), and everyone is outside enjoying the fresh new season. I love everything about Mother’s Day. Everything except…the hollow ache that comes with infertility.

Each year when the beautiful holiday of celebrating mothers comes around, my emotions are mixed with joy, thankfulness, hope and sorrow. Let me explain.

Celebrating my own mother is easy. She is a “Proverbs 31” woman through and through. Celebrating my Mother-in-law is just as easy. She is a grace-filled, Godly example to me and so many others. My two mothers deserve to be celebrated. They are selfless in every way, serve their family for God’s glory (and by His grace), and they never cease to pour out love that is unlike any other.

A mother’s love is a very special kind of love, although the types of desirable qualities I described above can sometimes be lacking in some mothers today. You may find yourself in a deep place of grief on Mother’s Day – from either the death of a mother, or over your relationship with your mom not being a positive one. For these reasons Mother’s Day can also be difficult. I find myself so very thankful that I have two mothers to celebrate – and celebrating them flows naturally for me because I love them both with all my heart.

On a fun note, planning the time of celebration for my two moms is always enjoyable. I love deciding on the small details of the gifts that my husband and I will choose to bless them with, or creating something sweet and special in the kitchen to wrap up and give them – it’s an exciting part of the process. I like to pick a theme or color scheme, and plan the time of celebration around it. It makes me happy and keeps my mind off the not-so-subtle ache that likes to tap on my shoulder, seemingly announcing to me, “I’m still here.”

For the most part, after so many years, I have learned to distract myself from the sting of empty arms on Mother’s Day. I choose to focus on celebrating the beautiful women in my life who are mothers. Yet, when the ache feels as if it’s building, I have learned to step aside (get alone, or go to my husband) and give that ache my full attention. I allow myself to grieve. I feel it. I cry. Then, I wrap that pain up in God’s amazing grace and get up; moving on with my day…until it comes knocking again.

This has been a technique I’ve acquired over the years. In the beginning and first few years of my journey, the time spent in tears was much greater. It was hard to get on top of the pain. I could barely make it through a Sunday morning Mother’s Day Church service without desperately wanting to run to the bathroom and cry. I would sit in service, watching the adorable toddlers and school aged children on stage give the sweetest, and sometimes hilarious, tributes to their moms who sat proudly in the audience, while holding my husbands hand as tightly as I could. The unstoppable tears would well up in my eyes, some frustratingly spilling over and rolling down my cheeks. I tried my best to swallow back the pain. I was rarely successful. Over time, it did get easier to learn how to manage the grief.

I have always wanted to be a mother. It’s been ingrained in me since the day I was born. When I was about seven years old, one of my favorite things to do was grab the J.C. Penny, Sear’s and Montgomery Ward’s catalogs from my grandma’s coffee table and flip straight to the baby section. I would excitedly thumb through all the real baby items and pick out cribs, bedding, strollers, high-chairs, clothes (not from the toy section, mind you) and dream. I would dream as only a young girl can, of “one day” when I would be a wife and mom. It was intoxicating. I could hardly wait for my very own baby.

That dream has never died. I still dream. I dream because even though my husband and I have struggled and suffered though twelve long years of infertility, I know who my God is. And I know His promises to me are true.

“I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?”

Jeremiah 32:26

In my particular case, I believe the Lord has spoken countless time over these most difficult twelve years that He is going to bless us with children from our own bodies. And I believe Him.

Infertility is different for everyone. Each couple facing these unwanted challenges has to hear from God for themselves. My encouragement for anyone struggling is to get alone before God because only He can tell you what direction to take. IUI, IVF, adoption, waiting…the direction you take has to come from Him. Even if He says none of these options are for you, He will still speak and give comfort to your heart in ways only He can do.

Unfortunately infertility journeys do not always end happily. There are times when there will be no children. In these cases, I can imagine the painful sting will continue to sit on the hearts of those who are childless until the Lord calls them home; each Mother’s Day bringing that familiar ache, year after year. Yet, I believe that couples who remain childless are able to live life in a completely different and fully abundant way! God is faithful to bring joy in all circumstances, and gives us fruitfulness in many other areas – in ways that maybe we would not be able to reach if children were given.

For my husband Larry and I, we knew we would need a miracle in this area all along, and after the first year of our marriage, and enjoying our newlywed life, we saw a specialist. I have never felt as defeated as I did the day we left that Dr.’s visit. Fighting back hot tears, I managed to make it out to the parking lot before I let the full emotion wash over me. It was a heaviness that I cannot explain. Sorrow and sadness that sunk into the bone – and if I’m honest, even a bit of anger. What we were told by the doctor was not a shock. We would need a miracle. But the confirmation of that was devastating. Still, in that moment, I felt God near. I felt a fresh hope spark, like a tiny glimmering flame in the darkness of my heart, and I knew I needed to know what God was saying. What was His plan?

Throughout that second year of our marriage, I prayed and fasted more than I have ever done before. It felt like I was continually on a fast of some sort, setting aside certain foods as an act of getting rid of distractions, and spending time with Jesus in prayer. Fasting is a spiritual discipline of withholding certain food, or in some cases (and for a limited time), all food, to hear more clearly from the Lord when you pray. It is found multiple times in the Bible, and if you would like to know more about it, you can reference any of these scriptures (Exodus 34:28, Joel 2:12-13 Esther 4:16, 1 Corinthians 7:5, Daniel 9:3-5, Luke 4:2-4, Matthew 6:16-18).

That season of praying, fasting and seeking the Lord did not result in pregnancy. However, it brought an abundance of encouragement, a richer and deeper intimacy with my beloved Heavenly Father, along with a soothing peace that applied itself to my every worry. It resulted in multiple divine encounters with the Lord. Throughout that time, I learned to lean on God and trust that He was walking this journey with me. I couldn’t see the road ahead, but I trusted Him. He was there. I could feel Him. He was bottling up and saving every single tear (Psalms 56:8) and He was strengthening my frame.

“The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”

Isaiah 58:11

Over the years, as time has ticked by, month after month, year after year, and still no children, my faith in God and in His promise to me have not grown weaker, but on the contrary, my faith has grown stronger. Why? Because of what God has spoken to my heart during this long season. Having a relationship with Jesus is the most incredible thing! When He speaks, it is remarkable! My journey has not been easy, and from where I sit today, I have no idea when the promises God spoke to my heart will finally come. I just simply know that it will.

Looking back on the third and fourth year of our marriage, I remember crying almost every day over my ache for children. My marriage was strong, we had a wonderful relationship, and I was so incredibly in love with my amazing husband – spending quality time together with him often. However, during those years, the pain of barrenness was on the surface every day. I learned to walk out my trust a day at a time, choosing to relinquish my doubts and fears to the Lord, and when I needed encouragement, I learned to simply ask God for it. I was always amazed at how my Jesus would send encouragement to me. Sometimes it was through an unexpected text from a friend I hadn’t heard from in months, who spiritually sensed my pain and lovingly reached out. Other times it would be opening up my Bible to a random scripture – speaking directly to my need that I had never read before. One time we were even approached in public by a complete stranger who asked to pray over us and then proceeded to say in his prayer exactly what I had been questioning the Lord about. Amazing! Those powerful and anointed moments were astonishing, and I especially loved when the Lord would give me a flash-vision or a dream, or speak directly to my heart in a way, that in part, was indescribable.

These types of fascinating encouragements and words from God still happen to me today. They never get old. My foundation of faith has been built brick-by-brick and day-by-day…even sometimes moment-to-moment.

Jesus and I have constructed a relationship over the years that I can rest assuredly in. Now, when doubts begin to tempt me suggesting, “Did God really say that?”, or whispers of unbelief quietly sneak in the side door of my mind saying, “How much longer?”, I remind myself of all the Lord has so graciously spoken. I pull out my journal and revisit all I have written. And I believe what God says.

Being full of faith and believing the promises that God has given does not mean the grief is not still present. The ache in my heart for children of my own will always be there. It will be a part of my story until the promise comes. For my husband and I, our journey of infertility has been one of waiting on God. In light of what God has spoken to us, we wait for Him to fulfill our deepest desires. However, for each couple who is experiencing infertility, I would encourage you to seek the Lord for yourself. We all have to hear individually on what God’s plan is for us, for our life and for our particular situation. There are a multitude of beautiful options out there for building a family and I am incredibly thankful for each and every one of them. Infertility is deep, intimate and personal. And so is God!

I wanted to share my story to bring encouragement to those who are waiting. Either waiting for direction on which way they should go or waiting on a promise the Lord has given them. I have never been so public with my journey, although those who are close to me know it well. Not often have I been shy from sharing my reality. However, infertility is an intimate subject. In the past I have chosen to tell my story with others in a one-on-one setting. I believe that our biggest struggles will be our biggest testimonies so I have been open with my story; however, never so much on a public forum. Yet, if I am able to encourage just one person, it is all worth it. Infertility affects so many couples and we all benefit from community.

I have a dear friend who was at one time waiting for a specific promise from the Lord. She made these chalkboard signs (pictured below) to hang in her home to remind herself of the promise God had given her. The text written on the signs are lyrics from a song by Bethany Dillon called, “To Those Who Wait”. When the Lord answered my friend’s prayer and she received her promise, we all rejoiced! She felt impressed to pass these pictures down to me and they hang in my office now; my office which will one day be a baby nursery. Every time I look at them I am thankful for those prayers and supportive friends who pour into the painful places of my heart with sweet hope and wait with me. I would like to encourage anyone who is waiting on any type of promise, even if it has nothing to do with fertility, that God is so faithful! His promises are “yes and Amen!” (2 Corinthians 1:20)

If Mother’s Day is hard for you, please know that you are not alone. Run to the Father. He has much to say to you. He wants to speak directly and intimately into your personal and unique situation. We are created for a relationship with Him. And when we give ourselves over to it, we will never be the same. His spirit in us is powerful! His love is like no other. He has good plans for us all. Hope and a future.

We each have our own story to live and although we have similarities in our stories that act as a connecting thread, weaving us together, we are all unique – and we should resist comparing ourselves to others. If you find yourself on a road of infertility, ask the Lord how He would have you specifically proceed. I know He will answer.

If you have never struggled to conceive, chances are high that you may know someone who has, or is. Often times, people wonder how to approach the topic when they know of someone close to them who is hurting. They wonder how to respond when a friend needs to talk about it. My best advise is to simply be a support to them. Be a listening ear if they want to talk. Send them a text saying you are praying for them, and then – do just that – pray for them. I know it is out of the purest and most genuine kindness (and true desire to help) that some make suggestions to people who are struggling with infertility. Although I believe there is a time and a place for suggestions – especially if the Lord is prompting you to say something – but in most cases, it is just best to offer a listening ear, a hand to hold and to be a support. You don’t have to know what to say. Just simply acknowledging the painful place is a huge comfort to us. Knowing others are close, thinking of us, praying for us and will support us, makes us feel less alone.

Life will always have struggles. We know that we will suffer in this life because we have a Savior who suffered. When we go through trials, it brings a keen understanding and kinship with Jesus – who suffered so much on our behalf, and to cover our sins. Suffering will always be a part of our story until the day we are called home. I am so thankful that we can share our journeys with each other and find strength in Jesus Christ!

To all the moms who have raised children or are still raising them, I celebrate with you today. To all the moms in faith who are waiting and believing, I wait with you today. And, to all the moms in spirit, who will never have children of their own, yet continually forge ahead, loving on everyone else’s children and pouring out your God-given mothering nature on others, I admire you today. We all have something to give, no matter what season we are in.

Happy Mother’s Day, friends!

Be blessed!

Stephanie